On Saturday night, the Jacksonville Jaguars secured themselves a playoff spot with a thrilling victory over the Tennessee Titans at TIAA Field in Jacksonville. We at TIAA Bank couldn’t be more proud that the team’s big win came in a stadium that carries our name. We expect that this will only increase demand for our accounts and services that can help you maximize financial opportunity today, tomorrow and down the road. But before the big rush, a few reminders for our customers in Jacksonville:
1. Our high yield deposit accounts deliver rates that start high and stay high. But you can’t deposit grits in your account. Grits are not money.
2. Yes, we offer 529 college savings plans, but no, you cannot use these plans to save up so your child can attend “Florida State University.” Only accredited colleges.
3. As a TIAA customer, you can build and diversify your financial portfolio with accounts from TIAA Bank World Markets. These funds will be invested abroad. Please be aware that any customer who, after a few drinks, calls TIAA and proceeds to share vulgar opinions about the countries in question will have their account access disabled. Our customer service agents do not need to hear anything further about the “bastards of Belgium.” Belgium’s financial markets are very stable.
Trevor Lawrence! Trevor Lawrence! Big football man Trevor Lawrence says give your money to the nice bankers, you Slurpee-swilling beach hicks! Buy yourself a new alligator! Woooo! Fucking low-dollar checking account scumbags.
We support the Jacksonville Jaguars just like you do.
“Jaguars Junction” is an independent source of football analysis unaffiliated with any professional sports franchise.
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